Tuesday, June 13, 2006

How to Lose a Cowgirl in 10 Days

Being from the sports world, I often run into what male sports bloggers refer to as the perfect woman. But what sports woman has ever sat down and actually laid out what her idea of the perfect man is?... What separates man from beast?... Why are women always attracted to the @$$holes? And when did it become okay for women to stop looking for Mr. Right, and start looking for Mr. Right Now?

Guys always ask me what my Mr. Right would be like, and my actual response is... I'm not quite sure. I may not know all the qualities I want my perfect man to have, but I definitely know the ones that would send me running for my life. After the many dating hazzards I have experienced as of late, I figured if some male sports gurus were going to define the perfect woman, then, I in turn, would define my IM-perfect man.. and how he in turn could lose me in ten days or less. I soon realized that I was not alone in this dating nightmare from hell, as some of my girlfriends and fellow cowgirls had stories to share also. So, why not make it a group compilation of our experiences and our trials and tribulations.

We started by breaking our men into different categories. In no particular order, these are some of the few I have run across.

Types of Guys:

The Mama’s Boy:
When I think of these types of guys, they are the ones that suddenly bring back the sickening omegas of a full grown twenty-something Jim Carrey still attached to his mother by an umbilical cord ala “In Living Color”. I’ve always thought you’ll be able to tell what kind of boyfriend a guy will be by the way he treats his mother. Don’t get me wrong, I think its great when guys have a close relationship with their mommy dearest, just as long as it’s not of the Norman Bates kind. These guys are often really emotional and can sometimes be a little on the clingy side. They seek constant reassurance over the relationship’s status and feel the need to take you to all family functions that may arise. This includes little Suzy’s dance recital , where she will inevitably freak out in front of the crowd, stand there like stone, piss her tutu and cry out of sheer terror. Now don’t think I don’t want to spend quality time with his parental units, but how in the world am I supposed to have a healthy relationship with a guy who needs his mother’s permission to stay out late, or who has to lie to her about who he is with? Contrary to popular belief, not all women are the devil. She was once one too. So she is deluding herself if she thinks her twenty-something year old son isn’t out exploring the great big fishbowl that is the dating scene. Odds are the kid was already corrupted before you got to him. She will hate you… and she will hate the girl after you. So don’t take it to personally. This is where someone should remind the mother that unless said son is a hermaphrodite, those grandkids are going to require a spacious oven and the last time I checked, men just weren’t properly equipped to pop out living beings the size of a small watermelon. But if he is going to try, by all means, should be fun for us ladies to watch. So if you manage to stick with this kid till Christmas, be sure and buy him a pair of scissors and his mom a box of Kleenex. Maybe then, you can have a real relationship.

The Himbo:
Ah, you will easily spot this species of male, as he is usually the one standing in the doorway of your local Abercrombie store. There is a reason they put these men in designated positions: to herd women into their stores like border collies, under the false pretenses of scoring a date with these zoolander look-a-likes. But don’t be fooled!! These men are much like Britney Spears videos in the way they are best viewed on mute. Other than good genes these guys rarely contribute anything marketable to society. I love a good piece of man candy as much as the next woman, and yes, your kids would be beautiful, but they will also be dumb as rocks. Besides, it’s always been my belief that stupid people shouldn’t be this fertile (see Kevin Federline...) So if you are looking for insightful conversation not revolving around whether tuna is chicken or fish, these types are best avoided.

The “Scene” Artistic Boy:
These are the boys with tats, piercings and the general “My life is a shithole” mantra. The glass is not only half empty with these guys; it’s crushed into more pieces than a bottle at a Jewish wedding. Yet, somehow, these guys manage to still have game. I think it’s due to the fact that women believe they can actually positively impact these guys lives, and they understand them in ways that no one else can. It never ceases to impress me how these kids can wear more eyeliner than I do, and sport jewelry in places I’d rather not mention, yet still be sought after as heartthrobs. It could work for them if it worked for Johnny Depp, and besides, to each her own.

The Narcissistic Golden Child:
If you want the days forecast, just check out this dude’s ass, because he and his parents swear the sun shines out of it! If you’re going to date this guy, be prepared to be a good listener, or a mime, because he will rarely listen to what you have to say. These guys are the pretty ones that know they are man-pretty; they gel their hair to go to sleep, check out their reflections in anything you can bounce light off of, and are convinced they are the best thing to happen to women since Victoria’s Secret. Every picture they have is of themselves in their best club attire, or better yet shirtless. Their facebook profiles spit more game and self confidence than most rappers. Even if they have brothers and sisters, you would swear they are an only child just by the level of sheer spoiled-ness they exude. If a little ego boost does the mind good, then these guys have their egos super-charged with some nitrous on the side. But as they say… They’re not cocky, they are confident.

The Neurotic:
So, you are on your first date with said guy. He seems reasonably normal. Then, he begins to tell you his absolute deepest darkest inner secrets and thoughts. Maybe its something about the fact you have been through rehab for gambling all your funds away on unsanctioned cock fights in Mexico, or the fact your were kicked out of school for being a wrongly accused lacrosse player at an Ivy league establishment.. at some point, your details cross the interesting line, and end up somewhere in between "mildly psychotic" and "run-for-the hills!" So do us a favor, save the juicy secrets for a later time, the first date, just isn't cutting it.

Don’t blame the kid if he falls into this category, because they are usually the product of their environment. If the mama’s boys are clingy, then the neurotics are “Stage 5” clingers. No amount of fabric softener will release these guys from your hip. They need constant assurance that you aren’t going to leave, cheat or stop loving them at all times. And they will often push you to the brink of insanity, but they mean well. As many times as there are hours in a day, blowing up your phone insisting you spend every waking minute of your existence with them, and are consistently looking over at you only to ask the proverbial question “What are you thinking?” This I usually respond to with a deep meaningful gaze into their eyes and say...”Not a goddamn thing...” Where does it say I have to be pondering the meaning of life and what am I going to name my unborn children every time I am not speaking?? Besides, if this guy is crazy enough to even fathom I will have kids with him, he underestimates the power of a bachelor’s degree in Psychology. Its Nature vs. Nurture, baby! And if you think I’m going to go halves on a kid with some psychotic only to spend all my hard earned money putting my kids through Dr. Phil’s Daycare, you are wrong my friend. In the end however, it’s your sanity or theirs, and last time I checked, the straight jacket was hardly considered a fashion statement, unless you are Hannibal Lector.

The A$$hole:
C’mon! Did you honestly think I could discuss the male species without touching on this one? These guys usually have more game than Milton Bradley, but will ditch you in a second once “the next big thing” comes along. They are the serial daters, who are hardly ever brought to court, because even Gil Grisom can’t seem to convince juries of intelligent women that he is just an evil guilty bachelor. This particular breed of men has many aliases and disguises, so be warned. Most are better illusionists than David Blane, and these guy’s balls aren’t made of glass, but steel. The asshole thinks they can get away with everything, and unfortunately they are usually right. Even I, being the intelligent woman I am, have fallen for one or two of these once or twice.

Why do women fall for assholes? Because, it’s the maternalistic, Good Samaritan savior in all of us that motivates women into thinking “I can change him. I can make him a better person.” He starts off as the Bad Boy our parents don’t want us to date, but we, out of pure spite and stubbornness, do so anyway. It then progresses into this facade of a relationship, so make believe and impressive that even Walt Disney would shake his cryogenically frozen head in disbelief. And yet, we call this normal.

The fact of the matter is most women wouldn’t know Mr. Right or real love even if it was right in front of us. We have these preconceived notions about what the perfect relationship is supposed to look like. Some of us will go so far as to pick up the most ravaged of pairing; only hoping to pull a Ty Pennington Extreme Love Makeover. Well, I’ve got news for you ladies and gentlemen...love just don’t work like that. Most women don’t know what they want until they see it, so we will end up settling for something less than we deserve. Relationships are a growing process.

“I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you that you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

For all the men that took the time to read this, I applaud you and hope my sense of humor and take on the dating situation nowadays didn’t completely bore you to death. Hopefully, you found some of my insights… well....insightful! Maybe you’ll make the changes necessary to be that special woman’s Mr. Right. Regardless, just remember that while you may stereotype certain kinds of women; know that we are capable of doing the same to you. So heed my words of wisdom...or you just might find out...How to Lose a Cowgirl in 10 Days....