Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Pairs

I was on the train to my girlfriend Stacie’s house the other day, when it happened AGAIN. I say again, because ever since the first snow rolled around in October, I have been on a weekly, sometimes bi-weekly replacement program. One of the many ever-so-awesome things about winter are these super sweet hand accessories you Northerners call gloves. But, for a Southern girl with an obsession for texting, I simply refer to them as the biggest pain in the @$$. Sure, they may come in handy when your fingers are frozen and on the verge of falling off. And they’re cute additions to any Santa inspired ensemble, but other than that they are simply one more thing I have to keep track of once I get to my destination. And the fact they come in pairs???.. The absent-minded’s worst nightmare. First it was the ever elusive pair of socks that were always going MIA in the dryer. And now, there were gloves. And unless you are bringing back the days of Billie Jean and Thriller, you better have two of them.

Ever since there was man, it seems we humans have had a knack for putting things in pairs. Whether they be animals on an ark, a pair of gloves, or even bicycle wheels, it just always seemed more symmetrical to find an object’s other half. Maybe that is why in the midst of finding our way through life and our own career paths, we often become sidetracked with the ever plaguing problem of finding our mate. And like that missing sock (or in my case glove) it seems, the more we look for it the less likely we are to find it. So some of us just give up all together.

Sometimes we become so preoccupied in our search for the “one”, that we lose the part of us that makes us who we are. I am no exception. In a time when I’ve watched many of my high school friends run off, get married, and have kids, I often wonder if I maybe… I missed the Ark. Their lives seem so complete and so happy and fulfilled, while mine seems… well, one big chaotic mess. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and would curse the day I had to resort to the monotony of a nine to five, but there is still a part of me that longs for some kind of constant variable to hold this mess together. Some stability??

Turning through the pages of my yearbook, it seemed everyone I knew was settling down. People who never ran in the same circles were suddenly sending out engagement announcements and wedding invitations. Homecoming kings with band dorks, stoners with valedictorians, Quarterback of the football team with the head cheerleader (well, some things really never change). It was the Breakfast Club’s ten year reunion. (!@#$. Has it been almost ten years?.. REALLY?.. ) Some of my classmates have kids that are starting school already. And some of them take their kids to the same pediatrician I still go to in case of emergencies. What alternate universe have I entered???

Why is it that we humans are always pairing off?... All my friends try to set me up with Mr. “I know this guy that is so perfect for you,” when in reality I’m simply reliving the vicious cycle of narcissistic fist pumping Northeasterners that is my dating pool Can you say.. “Check please??”

Every time I would lose a glove, I’d spend half a day or so looking for it, and suffering in the bitter cold, before I would bite the bullet and pony up for a new pair. My dad asked why I didn’t just mix and match pairs or turn one of them around. Was he serious??.. First, gloves were made to fit specific hands so wearing it would only make my hands even more awkward in their operation than they already are in this twelve degree frozen hell. And as for the whole mix and match theory?... Psh.. I am a girl, not Stevie Wonder. I’m pretty sure people expect me to get dressed with the lights on. If I show up with one brown glove and one blue glove?.. Hell, even Carrie Bradshaw wasn’t that fashion forward. It’s like, “hey everyone, look how ridiculously hot I look, as I get my right hand amputated due to frostbite!!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I see absolutely nothing with settling down. As I said, I welcome the stability. But I am certainly not going to date a blue glove just because I lost the black one. And I’m definitely not going to try to change the other person, or make them fit the mold of what I am looking for. Then no one is happy, because we’re all just trying to be what everyone expects of us. My theory has always been that if it’s right, it will just fit. And if the glove don’t fit, well… then you must split. After all, why settle for something that isn’t perfect, isn’t a real match?.. For the sake of not being lonely???.. That’s no reason to enter any kind of relationship, and inevitably someone will end up left out in the cold.

The great thing about gloves is that while they may get lost by themselves, they’re almost always sold in pairs. And in NYC, they can be found at just about every street vendor. I don’t need the hefty price tags or expensive labels, just that warm fuzzy feeling that takes the edge of the cold winter air’s bite. Besides, when you find the perfect pair that fits you just right, well… you just can’t beat that feeling.

6 comments:

Joey B said...

Another nice read Jenn! I hope you find the person that will make you happy and complete your journey. Not sure what NY has to offer an outdoor's, getting dirty Florida girl who loves the beach, and the smell of dark tanning oil:), but maybe the day will come when you can trade in your gloves for a pair of Reef's and get back down here to FLA where the men have moral's and know how to treat women! We'll, most of us!

Take care!
Joey B F-L-O-R-I-D-A-S-T-A-T-E

John Merino said...

is it me or did he just call new yorkers barbarians... talk about arrogance and ignorance mixed together -.-

iwatchthenba said...

great post. totally agree. finding the one you are supposed to be with is more about figuring out who you are and what you want than the other person anyway. that's why picking out gloves is so hard!

Anonymous said...

I loved this blog, and I totally understand where you're coming from; I'm sure it's difficult finding someone that can cope with your life, but my advice to you is if you find someone who can care for you and be there when things are down then you can definitely count on that particular person to be there when things are going good. It might not be the perfect match right off the get go, but you will be able to see who's real and who is not, because the real people in todays' world will stick by even when things are going south, and to be absolutely honest with you, I think that is someone who you should pay attention to.

I don't know you but through your blogs, and I can tell that you have a good head on your shoulders and you are also one that is hard to trust others due to certain blogs I have read of yours, but if you can just let go and open up to trusting others more, I believe that you will see and find that someone.

My best bet is that of all the people you have dated, I am sure there have been a select few that have been great to you, but you were looking for that "perfect man", and that image of what you wanted in a guy might have got in the way of your judgement or commitment to them, and in today's world,it takes dedicated individuals to make a relationship work, and by putting the "perfect man", in your mind, so high on what you want and are looking for, you might have clouded yourself, when the "perfect someone" could've been standing right in front of you. I would also venure to ask you to look back on the guys you have dated and you might see that you might have already found the "perfect man" and you didn't even realize it and never gave that relationship a second thought.

I am a psychologist, at the University of Southern California, and I have always enjoyed reading your blogs, because you have a gift of writing, and telling people in the right way how you feel, and this one just jumped out at me on how you can make a pair of gloves into a story about your social life. Brilliant!

But seriously, take a look back over your life, and there might be someone you have met or had a relationship with that you never really gave it your best, because you were either scared of commitment or just were looking too hard for that "perfect" someone, but if there has not been any guy in your life like that, then just be patient, time will bring the "right" person to you.

In my studies, I have met with many married couples and the majority of them, dated and then broke up, and then got back together. It was the women who did most of the breaking up, and their story to me on why they broke up and got back together with their men were all very similar stories. Some women told me they were going through a hard time and they could not trust anyone at that certain point,and the men who were in their lives' at that particular time would not leave them, through all the chaos that was going on, and the guys in these relationships stood tall and was there for them through the rough batches in their womens' lives. This one woman told me she tried to go out and find someone else, and she just kept thinking about the man who would not leave her when she hit rock bottom, and it kept eating at her through the relationships she had after him, and when it finally came down to finding someone who she could count on, have a marriage with, and a life with, she found herself going back to the one who was there for her when she was at a crisis in her life. I asked her "why, and what made you go back?" and her words to me were, " When I was at the worst place in my life, this man believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself, and he was the only man that I threw a lamp at and said leave me alone, and he was still there to tell me I am here for you, even when I didn't want him to be, and as I sat down and re-evaluated my life and what I wanted, and I finally realized I wanted a marriage that would last a life time, I found myself going back to the man who stood by when I cursed him to his grave, and broke a lamp over his head, because if any man can stand to be with me when I am the devil, then I know he won't leave me when I am an angel."

The story that I just spoke of, the two got married and have been for 10 years and still going strong. I keep up with the people who I visit with, because in a way, I feel like I have been apart of them , and gave them a sense of miraculous, that they didn't see in the beginning, and it is neat to help people find their "sole mates" if you will.

You, as it seems, are a strong young woman, and I am sure it is extremely difficult to find good people to surround yourself with, but take a look back, because you never know, if you trace your steps back,sometimes in life, you will find yourself and maybe possibly your "sole mate." My only advice to you is have patience; If you have not found the "right one", then let him find you, or it may be, as this is the answer to some of the marriages I have studied;Some of the women said when they broke up with their man, who they later ended up marrying,they said this was the reason they broke up, "The right one wasn't right at the time."

Some women have not found their "perfect someone" and some others have, but it just wasn't the right time or day, and patience and time will bring whoever that person is for you, in the realm of your spotlight, so that you may see who is right for you.

I'm hoping some of this helps in you finding the happiness and stability you are looking for. Be smart to know the opportunities when they land at your feet.

Always enjoy reading your blogs,

MS

Veritas said...

Here I’m again ready to shake things up.
Pairs!
One cannot stop to wonder that you’re still looking really hard to find a meaningful relationship that will exceed all of your expectations or at least correspond to them.
But I’ll talk about that further on.
So you don’t like the cold weather, that’s understand enable, seeing that you where raised in a hotter climate, but to me cold and hot are nothing more than a little inconvenience, just like an itch on my back, if you lived in my country you would be costumed to all sorts of weather.
Damn the weather in my country really pushes a person to the limits, in winter the cold is so strong that the minute you get out of the house you feel like every bone in your body is going to crack doe to the cold, and it isn’t just the cold it’s the wind also, just imagine a cold that strong and a wind that almost looks like someone turned one of those giants movie fans straight in your face, when I was just a kid it was hell (but instead of the flames there was the cold) now is more like a wakeup call, I get out of bed get ready to work and when I’m leaving my home I’m still a bit drowsy then that powerful combination hits me harder than a slam from Batista and only then I’m fully awake.
The rain here is just as in any other place, it can ruin a day but at weekends there’s no better excuse to stay home and enjoy the warm of the fireplace while seeing a good movie or TV show.
Now the summer, trust me, the summer here is unbearable, not only it is hot (like Egypt hot) but there is also no humidity, if a person car doesn’t have air conditioning or a person as to take the bus to work (thank the Eternal that’s not my case) when you arrive at work you cant wait to start, because at least its allot fresher inside, it almost seems that there is a huge magnifying glass on the sky trying to roust us alive.
In fact a few months ago I read an article that said if the summers in my country continue to get hotter, the middle and south part of my country will eventually become a desert.
Enough about the weather.
So you are starting to look at people that you knew, and you see that they already have settle down and started their own families, and you think that in a way you’re losing out on something special.
Let me bring it down for you Jenn; you’re not losing anything, like me you’re working to stabilize your career and build something for yourself before settling down.
Where is the wrong in that? Sure I also have friends that have already married, but those that did married are either miserable or have already divorced, the only ones that still are married are those that had their daddy’s who had already built their own businesses and they put their sons or daughters learning the family business, and those you can count by the fingers in one hand.
You have your thing going on and I also have my own thing also going on, and until I’ve reached my goals I don’t even think on building my own family, both you and I, we are being responsible human beings.
Do you think it’s wise for young couples to start having kids without having steady jobs, or careers? Of course it isn’t, those idiots are doing the thing the wrong way around.
How many times have I seen on TV couples saying that they had 3 or 4 kids and neither one of the parents had a freaking job, then they do the “Oh we are poor, please help my family, help my kids”, that’s #$cking disgusting, using their kids to get some money.
What didn’t they ever heard that there are a number ways to not get pregnant?
Are they so stupid?
No they aren’t stupid they are irresponsible, and there should be a law about that.
It’s no wonder that the world is in this mess, people just don’t think before they act, and that Jenn really pisses me off.
The button line Jenn, what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re doing the right thing, and I’m with you 100% of the way.
Now your problem with globes, how in the world do you keep losing them? Are you sure it isn’t just people steeling them from you so they could sell them on eBay or something? Or are you a natural clumsy girl and lose stuff all the time?
I think I have the answer. Do you know what it is?
It’s the simple fact that you don’t like globes.
It’s as simple as that.
I’m sure you never forgot or loosed your blackberry.
Why? Because it’s too much important, and one thing that life as thought me is that we lose stuff that we don’t like faster than the stuff we really like.
In a way we come back to the other theme of this blog. Relationships!
I have to agree with you, there’s nothing like that warm feeling of being with someone we love; but being with someone just for the sake of being with someone is never right.
So don’t worry I’m sure that there are plenty of good guys out there that one day will make you feel that warmth again.
Until then settle for a good pair of globes, some warm clothes and at night some really good sheets.
I’m off, hope to see good news from you when I return from my trip to Germany.

Veritas said...

Here I’m again ready to shake things up.
Pairs!
One cannot stop to wonder that you’re still looking really hard to find a meaningful relationship that will exceed all of your expectations or at least correspond to them.
But I’ll talk about that further on.
So you don’t like the cold weather, that’s understand enable, seeing that you where raised in a hotter climate, but to me cold and hot are nothing more than a little inconvenience, just like an itch on my back, if you lived in my country you would be costumed to all sorts of weather.
Damn the weather in my country really pushes a person to the limits, in winter the cold is so strong that the minute you get out of the house you feel like every bone in your body is going to crack doe to the cold, and it isn’t just the cold it’s the wind also, just imagine a cold that strong and a wind that almost looks like someone turned one of those giants movie fans straight in your face, when I was just a kid it was hell (but instead of the flames there was the cold) now is more like a wakeup call, I get out of bed get ready to work and when I’m leaving my home I’m still a bit drowsy then that powerful combination hits me harder than a slam from Batista and only then I’m fully awake.
The rain here is just as in any other place, it can ruin a day but at weekends there’s no better excuse to stay home and enjoy the warm of the fireplace while seeing a good movie or TV show.
Now the summer, trust me, the summer here is unbearable, not only it is hot (like Egypt hot) but there is also no humidity, if a person car doesn’t have air conditioning or a person as to take the bus to work (thank the Eternal that’s not my case) when you arrive at work you cant wait to start, because at least its allot fresher inside, it almost seems that there is a huge magnifying glass on the sky trying to roust us alive.
In fact a few months ago I read an article that said if the summers in my country continue to get hotter, the middle and south part of my country will eventually become a desert.
Enough about the weather.
So you are starting to look at people that you knew, and you see that they already have settle down and started their own families, and you think that in a way you’re losing out on something special.
Let me bring it down for you Jenn; you’re not losing anything, like me you’re working to stabilize your career and build something for yourself before settling down.
Where is the wrong in that? Sure I also have friends that have already married, but those that did married are either miserable or have already divorced, the only ones that still are married are those that had their daddy’s who had already built their own businesses and they put their sons or daughters learning the family business, and those you can count by the fingers in one hand.
You have your thing going on and I also have my own thing also going on, and until I’ve reached my goals I don’t even think on building my own family, both you and I, we are being responsible human beings.
Do you think it’s wise for young couples to start having kids without having steady jobs, or careers? Of course it isn’t, those idiots are doing the thing the wrong way around.
How many times have I seen on TV couples saying that they had 3 or 4 kids and neither one of the parents had a freaking job, then they do the “Oh we are poor, please help my family, help my kids”, that’s #$cking disgusting, using their kids to get some money.
What didn’t they ever heard that there are a number ways to not get pregnant?
Are they so stupid?
No they aren’t stupid they are irresponsible, and there should be a law about that.
It’s no wonder that the world is in this mess, people just don’t think before they act, and that Jenn really pisses me off.
The button line Jenn, what I’m trying to tell you is that you’re doing the right thing, and I’m with you 100% of the way.
Now your problem with globes, how in the world do you keep losing them? Are you sure it isn’t just people steeling them from you so they could sell them on eBay or something? Or are you a natural clumsy girl and lose stuff all the time?
I think I have the answer. Do you know what it is?
It’s the simple fact that you don’t like globes.
It’s as simple as that.
I’m sure you never forgot or loosed your blackberry.
Why? Because it’s too much important, and one thing that life as thought me is that we lose stuff that we don’t like faster than the stuff we really like.
In a way we come back to the other theme of this blog. Relationships!
I have to agree with you, there’s nothing like that warm feeling of being with someone we love; but being with someone just for the sake of being with someone is never right.
So don’t worry I’m sure that there are plenty of good guys out there that one day will make you feel that warmth again.
Until then settle for a good pair of globes, some warm clothes and at night some really good sheets.
I’m off, hope to see good news from you when I return from my trip to Germany.