I can remember the day I stopped writing actually. I would try to write, and it would just be me, staring at my reflection in my computer screen. I would think..“fuck, I really need a facial.” Or “damn, today is an awesome hair day.” I would get easily distracted, close my computer and walk away. This process repeated itself plenty of times over the years, to the point it became a form of writers block. I think I just got tired of writing about life instead of living it. I used to write about all the crazy, stupid things I would do to find love. But I realized the only way I was going to find that person was to go out and actually LIVE life. And so I did. The funny thing is, a lot of the time my blogs and writing were really just public love letters. Things I was sure the other person would read, and they would realize how deep and profound I was by using our situation as a way of exposing some greater human truth .. and immediately want me back. But that, I have discovered was assbwackwards and delusional. Instead, of being some “fearless cartographer of the human soul,” I more accurately resembled the stupid drunk girl, crying in the bathroom stall at a bar over the last guy that broke up with her. Incoherent sentences, broken English.. lot of tears. It wasn’t so much as romantic as it was… pathetic.
And then a funny thing happened, you know?.. I met someone amazing. Someone that just, fit seamlessly and effortlessly into my life, that just “got me.” And suddenly, I had no need to pour my heart out in words on a page. Because everything I had been searching for in my measly twenty something years of life, was right in front of me... you know, when you find your Nemo.
It’s true, you really only need two things in life.. chemistry and timing. But timing, is a bitch. People all have their own goals and dreams and ambitions. And when those dreams were put in your heart for a reason, it becomes difficult to imagine doing anything else but that. Of course, people’s dreams can change. I mean, I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was younger, and work at Sea World. After watching Blackfish, I think its safe to say, I chose… wisely. That and I am terrified of fish after an “incident” in 8th grade summer marine biology immersion program. And by “incident” I mean, I literally got bitch slapped by a mom fish for messing with her eggs while sifting on a sandbar. So now, I’m doing much less traumatizing things.. like standup comedy despite having a ridiculous fear of public speaking. Talk about irony. If anyone has a connection to the Beta blocker black market, shoot me a message on Facebook.
My new-found singleness got me scared though. Anxious about what my “new life” would look like. Because whether we want to admit it or not, society has some double standards about single women vs. single men. Single men are largely accepted as being career men, and eligible bachelors. Ahem.. George Clooney. Single women are ridiculed as well.. cat people.
I won’t lie, living in this world of “Party of One” is scary. Every rejection hurts more than the last, until at some point, you just feel like a masochist. Because you’re just waiting for someone to come along, and drop a house on you. Meanwhile, all of your friends are out there, living their lives.. in the future. They have big plans. Plans for weddings, babies… and I’m just snapchatting pictures of my new boobs. This is ... Just where I am at in life right now. Doesn’t mean I am happy about it.
But all this solitude has definitely given me time to find a new perspective on things. Namely on where my happiness really comes from. You can’t go through life thinking.. well if I just had THIS one thing… I would be happy. Looking for happiness in the next job, or mate, or material possession will only leave you feeling empty. Because its our society’s nature to feel like we never have
“ENOUGH.” Instead, you have to BE happy before you can even have whatever it is you are searching for.
My greatest happiness and peace comes from just... living in the moment. You can find this odd peace when you stop worrying about tomorrow, and reminiscing and regretting yesterday.. and just live wherever you are.. in that very second. You stop worrying about whether something is going to “hurt” or cause you anxiety or what kind of outcome it will have, and you just react to what the world is giving you right then in that instant. I’m not saying to run around like an asshole, like you’re in the movie The Purge or anything. My life has rules and regulations, namely, don’t break any commandments or state enforced laws… or at least the important ones. Follow those guidelines, and suddenly life gets a lot easier. When you find peace in the moment, you can be whoever you want to be. And when you’re in control of that moment, you’re in control of your life. If you decide to say “FML,” everything you live will mirror what your words say. If you say you’re stressed and overwhelmed, you will become those things. The easiest way out?.. Recognizing what steps you need to take in that very moment towards the result that you want, and beginning to act in a way that will produce those results. You can’t guarantee the outcome obviously, because as they say.. “shit happens.” But you can certainly squash the feeling of doom and gloom you’re experiencing that leaves you feeling helpless and paralyzed. After all, stress is simply resistance to living in the moment.
I used to try to plan out every moment of my life. And I still think most people do. They are those people that have “to-the-minute” itineraries planned out for their entire vacations and then wonder why no one likes to travel with them. (Cough::: my parents:::: ) Only now instead of which theme parks and monuments and rest stops to visit, they’re making plans on a much grander scale. They think .. meet someone that can put up with my shit. Get married. Have a baby. Raise child. Kick them out of house at 18. Apply to be a Walmart greeter. Become compost and go kick it with Jesus. Or something along those lines. But they definitely try to structure the way everything is supposed to happen. And honestly, good for them. But in the real world, you’re bound to encounter a wild pitch or two. Because despite what Pedro Cerrano thinks, Jesus Christ can definitely hit curveballs.
So ask yourself. Where am I in this moment?... Maybe you’re like me and you feel lost. Anxious. It’s ok to acknowledge it. But don’t dwell in it. My relationship stuff.. as painful as it is it just a fact of life. It doesn’t mean I failed, it just means that maybe there is someone out there that will love me for me, including all the messed up parts. Sometimes old things have to fall apart or change to make way for better things. And no ones to say it’s over til its over.
There is a great big sea out there.. with plenty of fish in it. And one of them, just happens to be my Nemo. But ‘til that day comes, I just have to enjoy the waters I’m in. And above all ... Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.