Tuesday, March 06, 2012

D***

My 2011 can be quickly summed up with a four letter word that starts with a “D”. While some of you automatically slid into the proverbial gutter……others of you took another route and I am here to inform you, you are both wrong. I would ask you to kindly remember I have a no penis joke policy here. If I can’t make them, then no one can. And, if that was the first thought you had when you read your crossword clue, well.. You have a harder task than I do. I only have to get through this blog without crying


I've been meaning to write you all for some time. In fact, I've started this blog many times in the past year, only to find I get choked up and can't bring myself to finish it. Again, if you're still associating everything I say with the previously assumed word, then you find my writing extra hilarious. In which case, I'm glad one of us does. But for me, it’s something I've been hurting over for quite some time.

You see, that four letter word.. is Drew.


I don't know if you have ever experienced death, but it’s one of the greatest losses one can suffer while still walking this earth. And people sit around and tell themselves that the person that has passed is now at peace, and everything will eventually settle into some "new" normal. I'm here to tell those people to politely "kiss my grits" and give them a courteous middle finger.



In my 28 years on this planet, I've had very limited experiences with death. I lost a few friends to reckless driving and bullying as a teenager, and my grandfather to a second bout of lung cancer that eventually spread to his brain and then took hold of his spirit. Of those, my grandfather obviously left the biggest wound, because he and my grandmother are such a big reason I am the person I am today. But with older people, especially those who have battled illness for quite some time like my grandfather, you morbidly expect them to at some point... die. It’s just something we are taught. I remember reading E.B. White's Charlotte’s Web, and the teacher trying to explain how the book was so poignant and how the ending *spoiler alert,* where Wilbur's spider friend dies, was indeed a "happy one", to a bunch of six and seven year olds. To this day, I still think she's full of crap. I remember watching Bambi, and not being able to get over the feelings of reckless abandonment the wonderful people at Disney had left my five year old self with. (As you can tell, I was a bit of an advanced thinker for my age.) My parents tried to explain this concept to me even further, with each passing of a pet, most ending up in a towel or a high top Reebok shoebox, and subsequently in a make shift pet cemetery in our backyard. Having seen Lion King, I figured this was merely my dad’s way of making sure I saw my furry friends deaths were not in vain, and also doubled as a really effective fertilizer. And before you ask, No. Sterger is not Jewish.

But still, I don't think you really come to understand the permanence of death, until it’s someone very close to you. And very sudden and totally unexpected.


While the rest of the world was sleeping during the wee hours of Jan 12, 2011, I was watching St. Elmo's Fire and the 14 inches of snow New York City was being pelted by, wondering when it would stop. (The snow, not the movie.) Though some would argue, sitting through either one of them is painful. Being a fan of everything made in the 80s, including myself, I texted the only person I knew would be up at that time of night, and asked him "When would this snow effin stop?" On any other occasion, Drew in his usual wit would respond in some snarky Al Roker reference, laugh politely at my retort, and wish me back to sweet dreams. Only this time, there was no answer.

It continued to snow the whole next morning, and into the early evening hours. I had sent off numerous texts throughout my day, generally about nonsensical things, but that was the nature of our relationship. We lived to make each other laugh and happy. And somehow even with thousands of miles between us, we managed to stay best friends.


But as the evening hours fell into night, I sensed something was wrong. My texts, my emails, even my phone calls had gone unanswered. I've often been told I worry too much about things. Very stupid things. And more times than not, I tend to agree. Not this time. This man was my best friend, and it wasn't like him to go more than a few hours without talking to me. By six o clock, I had reached for the panic button. With every email, every phone call, every text message going unanswered, I sent off one last email before I called the police.


"If you're mad at me, if there's something I’ve done... I don't care. I just want to know you're ok."


Send.


Nothing.


Just... Nothing. I’ll spare you the details of that night, only because most are too painful for me to write down. But after countless hours of phone calls, inquiries, and waiting I was informed that sometime, during the early hours of my brat pack marathon... I had lost Drew.

I live in a city that is so overpopulated you can't drive down the street without trading paint with someone. Where they can charge you a small fortune for you to live in a room the size of a portapotty, and you're one of the lucky ones if it doesn't smell like it. It’s the type of city that if you're not ready for it, it will chew you up and spit you out like an America’s next top model contestant at a Cici's All-you-can-eat dinner buffet. And she doesn't try to sympathize with you. Nope. New York City is a cold hearted bitch. And at times, I've wanted to quit her, but whenever I got those feelings, Drew was always there to pull me off the metaphorical and sometimes literal bridge.


Drew and I met in Spring of 2006. "Cowgirl fever" was still in full force at FSU, as my magazines were just hitting the local newsstands, and I was trying my hardest to concentrate on my studies. My true love, college football, was MIA til the Spring game, and even then it was more like Groundhogs Day: Football popped its head up from the turf, said... 4 more months without me…and Goodbye. Tease. But one day, in a heated message board discussion regarding my boredom with baseball, the board’s moderator presented me with an enticing offer.

"Come and watch an FSU baseball game with the Animals of Section B. We will change your mind."


So the following week, when we were scheduled to play Florida, I was introduced to “O Canada”, Shannon’s red stuff, Fluffy’s loud and overly drawn out Kkkkkkk time, and Dominic’s Noles cheer. And they all openly welcomed and accepted me as one of their own. Because Drew did. And like that, my new-found appreciation for baseball was born.


A lot of people will never fully understand my relationship with the man. To outsiders, we were an odder couple than Dennis Rodman and well… anyone who has dated Dennis Rodman. But, we didn't care. We taught each other so many important things in life.


A lot of people have been quick to judge me these past five years, but not Drew. The man saw me for who I was, a little girl with big dreams and a knack for just wanting to entertain people. Whenever people would attack me personally, Drew was one of the first to defend me. Whenever a boy would break my heart, he was the first paramedic on the scene. Whenever something amazing happened in my life, Drew was one of the first to know it. We shared so much of our lives with one another. My wins were his wins; my loss was his loss...


Most people’s internal compasses point north. But mine points south. South… to a place, where for me, times were simpler. You see, I’ve traveled all over this country the past few years, all because of a small twist of fate. And no matter where I was, I never felt alone. That's because I had Drew. With him I was never lost. That's also because Drew was, more often than not giving me directions to somewhere! Hell, he and I joked that he probably knew the city better than I did since he had virtually walked so many blocks via Google Maps on the phone with me. And while most would feel a bit claustrophobic, I always seemed to feel alone. But not with Drew. He’d walk countless city blocks with me, at all hours of the day and night. And while some people may find this a bit odd, we didn't in the least. Because no matter the time, or place, we always were there to share our lives with one another. Even from thousands of miles away. I took him to faraway places with me. He brought me to a place that felt like home!


One of the first times I hung out in Hollywood, I was at a meeting with this director. We were at a Starbucks discussing a film he was working on when his phone went off. I asked what he was grinning at -- and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t a baseball game recap from Drew. He didn't know that I knew Drew personally, and I was soon to tell him, but he told me how those emails always made him smile. Like me, he lived 3,000 miles and a world away from Tallahassee, but every time he read about what was going on at Dick Howser, part of him was 12 years-old again. The part that was still a kid, sharing sunny spring days with his dad and not knowing how desperately he'd cherish those lazy Sunday afternoons and wished he'd appreciated them more before his father finally succumbed to his battle with cancer. Drew gave that to him. His emails brought him back to Howser. To a time and a place that's long since passed, but is so deeply engrained in his soul that it is encoded into his DNA. Drew’s gift was one that no one could put a price tag on. But what Drew did brought this joy to countless Noles.


Since the night Drew passed on, I've only written a few things. None were as difficult as this, except for maybe his eulogy. And as much as part of me wanted to just do that on the fly, I knew the rest of me wouldn't be able to muster through it without bursting into tears. For the record, I made it further than I thought I would. The reason none of my writing has been posted however, is that Drew was the only person I trusted with my unfiltered thoughts. An interweb sieve, if you will, of the right mix of edgy yet politically correctness. (I think that's a real word, if not, just pretend it is for the sake of this blog.) A lot of people, even those I trust with the raw format of me, cringe at the way I express myself sometimes. It’s because I'm brutally honest to a fault. After all, I am the reigning champion of the “Says what everyone else in the room is thinking but doesn’t have the balls to say award.” For me, the cathartic part of the writing process isn't the writing, it’s the posting and responses I get from the people who actually take the time to read it and empathize. So for the past year, that process has felt like a relatively empty transaction for me.


Until now…..

I know what you're thinking.." A year plus of silence and blank pages from this girl.. And THIS is the shit I get to read??" I know, I know. I've given you nuggets of goodness and hopefully a few laughs via twitter and other sources, but this is the heart of my internet presence, where you find out who I really am. And much like the pages of my blog, the events of 2010 and beginning of 2011 left me in what I would term... Survival mode. I was merely fighting to stay afloat. Suffice to say, the rest of 2011 is a bit of a blur. I don't really know where it went or what I did, though I'm sure I will unravel some of it here in these next few blogs. But this is where I had to start. It's a story I needed to write down for my own selfish reasons. So I could write again, so I could live again. So I could one day look back on my friendship with this man and not see it as something stolen from me but something that made me stronger and a much better person. Someone doesn't become such a huge part of your life and just vanish like this ... And have it not absolutely destroy you to the core.



You can look back on your life and stare at your hardships and wonder, Why? Why did this happen?? And often times, the answers don't necessarily present themselves the way we'd hope they would. I'm still trying to figure out why this happened. I think a lot of people are. I think it’s best to accept that we may never know WHY it happened, only that it did. It’s taken me months to grasp this. Losing Drew was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with on my journey through life. But having him IN my life was more rewarding than anyone could imagine. He was what I would call a "lifechanger." He's one of the few people I can honestly say made me a better me, who saw me not as a girl in a sparkly bra and cowboy hat, but as a fellow band nerd and best friend.


I've gone through the whole range of emotions one is supposed to experience when dealing with death. Well, all except acceptance. It’s hard to think he won't be there at the end of that text message, that phone call, that email. And for that very reason I can't bring myself to delete him from my phone or Google chat. Because that would mean he is truly gone. It pains me to think that FSU baseball's greatest ambassador won't be rooting on our Noles every season as they take the mound. And worse yet.. He wasn't around to see me make it out the other side of the terrible rabbit hole that 2010 sent me down.

I guess it really hit me while I was sitting in another random airport one night, ALONE. Except this time I was really alone. With no one to call at that crazy hour of the night, I instead picked up my blackberry and started typing this…..


Of course when I got to the end, I instinctively hit send.. Only to realize I had sent it to Drew.

Which makes me wonder? Do you think they get Gmail in heaven? My guess is with Drew there, they most certainly will now. And if it could make it through the clouds, I know he’d write me back just to tell me how amazing it is. He's up there right now looking down on all of us. Maybe a tad flattered, a little embarrassed, and so grateful to have touched so many lives in his 37 years in this world. So now when the marching chiefs take the field, he will make sure their formations are straight. He was always a stickler about that. When the Animals demand to "take some guy out of this ball game," there will be a faint echo that returns back to them. Because no one was a bigger sports fan than Drew. And now, he really does have the best seat in the house. And in our hearts.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well said Jenn. Anybody that met or hung out with Drew feels the same.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. Drew sounds like he was a wonderful person. We should all be so lucky to have spent a time with such a person. Thank you for sharing.

Maf03e said...

Wow. I was bored at work this morning and after a fellow alum sent me a text pic of the FSU Cowgirls I was like, hey I was in the same section as them at that Miami game in 05! I should google this and see if any if them got famous.

Needless to say my search led me here, to this heartfelt and saddening post. I am truly sorry for your loss. I didn't know there was a name for the guys that make life hell for visiting teams at howser but I am certainly sad to hear one of them passed away.

Keep your chin up, I know NYC is tough. Best wishes and good luck in your career! SCALP EM!

Joey D said...

Sounds like an awesome friend!

Scotty said...

Amazing blog Jenn. As you know I deal with death every day in my job, and when someone close to us is gone, life can be very difficult. There is no timetable on grief and no benchmark as to where you should be by a certain calendar day. I'm sure Drew is proud of the way you have handled the last year or so, as am I, and he would be very proud of this blog post. Keep your head up chica, and if you need anything DM me on twitter @undrtkrscotty.

STERG PROTECTOR for LIFE!!!

Scott V said...

Good to have you back in the blogosphere, I remember when Drew left us, by that time StergTV was over with and I send my condolences via KC Arnold through your E-mail. Although I never got to meet him, he was always watching over our live chat sessions. I love this blog entry and I feel that Drew was as lucky to have you, as you were him. It's nice to have you back Jenn, keep up the good work.

Svspeed

Loren said...

Hi Jenn, didnt know of you until recently with your Studs and Duds bit that i found through twitter, so there was no " this is the shit i get to read" response. Personally i thought this was an amazing read. I recently rediscovered the value of true intimacy....not sexually....but of letting yourself be completely open with someone and getting the same in return. Sounds like that is what you had. If it took a year for you to write this blog, and hopefully have the cathartic benefit of doing it.....who is anyone to take the attitude of "this is the shit i get to read" They would obviously be people who just dont get it. I am so sorry for your loss Jenn. Sounds like it was a fantastic human being, and deserves that place in your heart.
Loren

RevUltraBlue said...

2011 was probably the worst year of my life and now I feel bad because the struggles that I had to overcome weren't nearly as difficult when being compared to yours. I too had a Drew-like person in my life and I almost lost her twice last year, just in a different sense of loss. There hasn't been one person in my life to affect me on the level that this person did. The complications that we faced couldn't have come at a worse time and for the first time in my life I hit rock bottom, and unknowingly was about to hit it again. A lot of things are taken for granted, but then there are the things and people that you are lucky enough to realize how much they mean to you while they're still around. I am often misunderstood as the darker person that I am, because I am who I am and don't let others compromise that about me. Just like you, I am brutally honest and a lot of people cannot handle that, but guess what that's who I am (in case that wasn't made clear). After reading this latest blog of yours, I realized that we have very similar writing styles. I would consider having a blog too, but it would just be a waste of time since nobody would read it. I tend to speak my mind and fail to consider the feelings of others when doing so. Many people respect me for staying true to myself, whereas many others develop a strong disliking of me for the same reasons.
There are a lot of people that have or probably will read this blog that you just posted, and some will actually care enough to comment. Within those comments you have to be able to determine which of the responses/reactions are real and legitimate versus which are strictly stereotypical and insincere. I like you a lot and I also respect you a great deal the more that you expose yourself to your online alliance/army of followers. Just don't confuse me in the mix of typical douches. I've followed you (not on twitter) for awhile now and was apart of the StergTV, although not as a regular as others but I've put in time and interest with you. I respect the fact that you would take the time to respond to my Facebook messages and what not, because that is very uncommon. I like the Jenn Sterger that many don't really know, but that's all their loss. You may think that this is a little over the top, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. Take my word for it, this is coming from someone who truly appreciates you as everything that you are and not another guy drooling over you and oogling at the pictures that they can dig up of you online. I have a lot more for you if you are willing to read it... @RevUltraBlue. Please continue to write these blogs on a more regular basis if you have the time, random stories/thoughts often make better blog entries. Show me some Twitter love because I deactivated my Facebook account.

Scot R said...

The fact that this blog is dedicated to a friend lost more than a year ago is testament to how important he was to you. Few people in our lives make it through the obstacle course of our defenses and earn our unconditional love and trust...and the loss of such a kindred spirit hurts like nothing else. This Drew fellow is obviously an exceptional man..and I pointedly use the present tense because for you he'll always be there. Keep sending those texts...he's reading every one of them.

Burning Chrome said...

very well written...and well thought...loss is never an easy thing with which to deal...i wish you well, may you find peace...signed a band nerd & fsu alum...

Servo26 said...

very beautiful and touching story Jenn. So sorry for your loss and to the family of Drew.

Paula Kiger said...

Well said ....... will be thinking of you as you continue to grieve and make your way.

Bob said...

Hi Jenn,

Seminole Bob here. We have met a few times, and hung out quite a bit in Athens when we played the Dawgs. My Son 13or 14 then, still remembers meeting you and you giving him a hug.

I have known Drew for a long time, and there was not a more genuine person. I could never count, in a million years, the number of people Drew introduced me to. Not to mention when my son would go to baseball camp, Drew would come by every day to catch up, and tell the kids stories about "Chip Baker All Star Maker", or something else interesting and funny.

I don't think about baseball without thinking about Drew.

I remember when we did the Animal baseball uniforms I swore I ordered one, but somehow I ended up with two. One with my name on the back, and one with my brides names on it. I cherish how Drew was so unselfish about stuff like that. I am pretty sure you have one, and it represents how we feel about Drew.

I know the Jenn Sterger you talk about. I met her in Athens. She is really cool, and a person with a brain and a heart like the rest of us.

Hopefully we will see you at a game some day soon.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to send this message privately, but like most people I don't have your email address. What I'm going to say is a sensitive subject, so feel free NOT to approve posting this comment on your blog. The message is intended only for you.

Drew, as I'm sure you know, was an atheist. He didn't believe in life after death. I had discussions with him on that topic, but he had strong opinions. He would never change his viewpoint lightly.

What they tell us about life after death in most Judeo-Christian religions doesn't seem to comfort us much when we lose someone really close. I'm sure you've felt that too.

For whatever this is worth coming from someone completely unknown, I PROMISE you that he's still around. Who and what he truly is does not die. In your quietest moments you might hear his voice in your head. In your dreams you might chat with him. If so, don't worry. You're not crazy, and you're not hysterical with grief.

I'm telling you this for only one reason: there's a chance you might find it comforting.

To some people that might sound really "out there". If you find it too hard to believe now, well it won't be comforting, but it's okay either way because you will KNOW it in time. You live on, too.

You'll see your dear friend later. And everything will be okay.

goalkeepercoach13 said...

Hi Jenn, Drew and I go way back when he first became an Animal and I was the original zookeeper so I fully understand your loss and the loss The Animals feel as well. I loss a friend but also someone who I got to teach about being the Zookeeper and watch him take it to another level. So I was very proud of him as well. The night he died I had also sent an email and we chatted earlier on facebook. I was shocked and I cried for the loss of my friend. Drew introduced me to you at my 50th birthday party that happened to be during a FSU home game. He was very proud of you and the Cowgirls but you especially. After the game we met back up with you at the brew pub and Drew actually had some shots of Tequila (I know he hated tequila but he did it for me as an Animal tradition). You were kind enough to take a picture with me and Drew. I too struggled writing his eulogy with emotions but not about writing about Drew. Your thougths and emotions were very well written and truly from the heart. Drew and I also talked about your struggles thru the football thing and he asked for advice about how to help you. I just said "Be there for her" and know that you are her sanctuary from the craziness. As you have so beautifully written he was always there for you. Drew's love for you as one of his dearest friends was always evident. If you are in need of someone to lend an ear and be a friend you can go to my facebook Dayton Owens sned me a message. Remember you are always welcome in Section B and will always be an Animal - maybe one day we can get you to lead a NOLES Cheer but do it in memory of Drew. Take Care from the Great Grandfather Zookeeper dang that makes me sound old

Valder said...

Nothing can replace the loss of a close friend. As you well know my best friend was killed (USMC) on the night of March 19, 2003. We'd grown up together, and, nearly ten years later, I still try to call or write him every now and then. It doesn't get easier......but the memories never fade either. I was honored to have met Drew and gotten to spend that dinner with him. If you need something....hell, you know the rest.

Doug said...

Sorry for your loss. Sounds like he was one who made you a better person for just being in your life and a true friend. Those don't come around too often.

It takes a lot of inner strength to make it through the tough times you've had in the past couple of years. While there will certainly be more bumps in the future, I'm certain that your friend will still be with you to guide you through the minefields in life, albeit in a little more subtle ways.

Kenny said...

Sorry about the loss of your good friend. Wish there was something I could say to make things all better.

I must say (even though I don't really know you) I admire you for the strength that you have and the hurdles that you've overcome. I don't know how you do it and how you manage to be so resilient.

Hope the next few years treat you better than the past few!

Keith Crofford said...

Very, very sorry for your loss. He must have been a very special guy and I'm just sorry that I never got to Howser to meet him. I hope you are doing better and that this post helped you through some of the pain.

RevUltraBlue said...

This is completely unrelated to this blog, but I don't know how else to get something to you that won't get lost in the ridiculous amount of tweets that you must receive daily. I've failed with a number of tweets to you, but it's understandable because I wouldn't expect you to be able to read each and every tweet that you have being sent your way. A little more than a month ago I tweeted you a promise to get you verified by Twitter. I don't want all of the credit, but after contacting Twitter and making a case for you and why I feel that you should be graced with the highly-coveted blue check of Twitter. All of a sudden you are now verified. It may not mean anything to you, but it definitely felt good to at least have a hand in the process. I won't continue to go on endlessly since I got the chance to say what I wanted to say. I've mentioned it a number of times, but it somewhat sucks that I chose to deactivate my Facebook account because I have actually succeeded in communicating with you. I'm not asking you to follow me on Twitter or any other strange request because honestly I don't even know you and you really have no idea of who I am. It would be nice to find an alternative method of having the liberty to drop you a message every now and then, but it's not as simple as it seems. Anyway, I just wanted to ask if you're still signing pictures if a SASE is sent to your PO Box in FL (I have the address somewhere on my laptop). I'd rather that you didn't post this comment because it's irrelevant to your blog. Somehow respond if you'd like or get at me on Twitter @RevUltraBlue. Either way I'll continue spreading the word, getting your name out there, and turning people in your direction so they can really experience the type of person that you are. Stay true and don't change because there are a lot of people that love you for simply being yourself. Have a good one Jenn.

DragonWolf said...

Jenn,

As a fellow GHS Cowboy and Band mate, I feel your pain in loss. I have lost several family members and several Marine Corps Brothers and Sisters over the past few years. You posting such a touching blog not only shares your pain with the world, but also helps the healing of your heart. Drew sounds like a blessed person to have known, and those losses are always the hardest. Just know in the deepest part of your heart, that he is still with you.

I wish you all the best, Jenn. I hope that, with time, you will move pass the mourning of his passing, and on to celebrating the time you spent together.

(*Just in case you don't remember me, we both played the flute as Gaither High School band members with Mr. Hancock as the band director. I was a senior and you were a freshman....Blair Brown)

Tom (Manic) said...

I'm sorry I haven't stopped by in awhile, but with your hiatus, I haven't checked as often as I use to. I'm sorry you're still hurting so much, but I can certainly understand due to the way I've felt from losing people near and dear to me. There will be a day when the thought of the one who has passed will bring a gentle smile instead of a bitter tear.

You may not have caught it, but during last week's regionals, ESPN was once again talking about The Animals, but this time also mentioned Drew and showed that his banner is still on the outfield wall. They told the nation how much Drew meant to The Animals and The Seminoles. I guess in a way, with his banner and image still out there, he is still looking over 11 and the boys, cheering them on.

Take care. Those we have lost will always remain with us in our hearts and memories. It may not be cure-all thought, but I know it helps me.

Anonymous said...

Jenn,

I wanted to send this to you privately, but unfortunately am unable to do so. So I'm posting it on here and hope that it helps.

I am so sorry for your loss, I felt like I needed to comment.

This is one of those posts that really hit home for me. I too, had lost someone very close to me suddenly and unexpectedly. I will not be so brash to say that I know what you are going through, but I think I can relate a little bit.

It's been 3 years since my life changing event and it's still a day that I think of often. People used to tell me all the time that things will get better and that I need to "stay strong." and that the person that I lost was now at peace. All I remember thinking is F that. I think people were trying to be helpful but the devastation that I felt at the time was just unbearable, and I didn't want to be strong and I didn't want that person to be at peace. I wanted (for my own selfish reasons) for that person to be with me. I came to the conclusion that what I was feeling was okay. There are no weak moments going through this.

For me when I found out I wanted the world to acknowledge that my life had changed, but it did not. The world kept going even though it felt like my world had ended. Like you, I took to writing, but instead of a blog, I happened to be enrolled in a non fiction writing class and wrote a story on grief, love, loss and my experience which I later posted on my blog. For me, that experience was also cathartic.

You wrote about how people told you that things will settle into a new normal. Three years later I think I am still waiting for that new normal. I don't know if it really exists. Things for me have never been normal, and the pain evolves into something less hurtful but it's still there.

I am certain of is that Drew will always be with you. It may not be in the way that you want but he is always there. I've also come to realize that no matter how a person leaves this world the friendship and love were there and real and changed your life.

My biggest concern after my loss that my sister would be forgotten, that the memories I had would fade and eventually all that would remain would be a faceless name on a tombstone. Then I realized that even if they did the love I had for my sister was still there, and will always be there. Just like the friendship and love you and Drew had will always be there. It's what makes human beings unforgettable.

Let me explain. People always used to tell me that that love is the only thing that is created that lasts forever and that in order to love someone it meant giving a part of yourself to that person. Drew helped to shape you and is part of you. For all those people that you care about, you pass on part of Drew to them, and for all those people they also pass on part of Drew to whoever they care about and so on and so forth. In other words, in 10,000 years when no one knows who we are and the web has been replaced by holographic projections shot out through our eyeballs, and everyone has their own personal jet pack and flying car on Mars, Drew will always exist as a force of love in the universe.

To be honest, I don't know if my mindless blathering has helped you. While I hope you found some comfort in a stranger's words, I cannot be sure.
Thank you for sharing your story.


My deepest condolences,
D. (A guy from the great state of New Jersey)

Joey said...

WOW!!What a heart wrenching story! Just today I thought, " Hell, i'll go see if my fellow FSU Alumni Sterg has posted any good blogs lately" This wasn't what i was expecting and to be honest, it was painful to read because I could feel your hurt with every letter that passed.

I'm so sorry to hear this Jenn and I really hope your doing well.

Don't be a stranger to your Blog.
Signed,
Joey ( St Pete Beach)

Ben said...

I don't know you or Drew. That being said , we all dream of having that "perfect friend". Not to go to "nerd" on you , but it's like I tell people about "Samwise" in the Lord of The Rings Books/Movies. We all want to find our Samwise. In your case you found your that in Drew. That's something that even in death can't ever be taken from you. As sad as it is that you lost him , you found what some people never do. Cherish those memories every day . I think by now you know what his responses will be to things you would go to him with in things going on in your life today. No, it's not completely the same by not being able to text, call, or e-mail him. Yet, if you let those words you know he would say wash over you when you need it . I think , you find yourself smiling , and sincerely , a whole lot more . Reading your blog , I never felt anything but empathy and sympathy for what you have had to endure . I would say the cliche " it will get better" or "as time passes , the pain will lessen" . But I don't believe either of those things to be true . What will happen is you will learn better ways to cope with these thoughts , fears , doubts, and pain go through on a daily basis thinking about your beloved Drew. I can't promise you that Drew is in heaven. Somewhat , like him I am a agnostic , easily confused with a athesist. What I can promise you is this , and it will sound cliche , but it's one of the few cliche lines I completely agree with . Drew will never be gone as long as you honor him in your heart , your soul , and in your spirit . Your successes you have in life can still be his , your losses can still be his losses . As long as you never let go , he will always be there for you . So if you already haven't , DON'T delete him from anything . If you have, re-add what you can, his last known cell phone number etc. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you have to let go. Because , I am here to tell you that you never have to let go of your best friend . You do have to go on living life , and trying to achieve true happiness , and whatever that entails for you. But, in doing so , you can still hold on to the man with the four lettered name. In doing that, I truly believe you find that inner peace you look for each day.

If you care to discuss any of this with me , or just shoot the breeze about any topic . Sports , movies , life situations , or just vent , feel free to email at rainy_night_mb@yahoo.com (or Ben Bierman of Bettendorf,Iowa on Facebook). I can promise you a few simple things . 1) You can truly be yourself with me and not worry about offending me. 2)I am pretty handy with google maps :P(that was meant to lighten things up ;) ) 3)Anything ever discussed between us , will be just that , between us . My apologies if my grammar isn't 100% perfect , it's 1:38 at night and I am just typing what I am thinking , so it's coming out fast and I am not doing the best proof reading on the spot at the moment . You sound like someone with a huge heart and that you are amazing friend for the people you do choose to "let in" . I would be honored to give you my best at , at being a true and good friend . If I can even be 1/4 of the friend Drew was to you, I know that will make a truly great friend. Regardless , if I ever hear from you or not , My thoughts are with you , even after all this time has passed. Because, I for one, believe you still feel this like it was yesterday . Time is standing still and yet it's flying by ? I know that feeling very well.

Here's to good thoughts and karma going your way . Hope to hear from you someday .

Your friend in Iowa ,

Benjamin Lee Bierman(Gillispie) (Hyphenated last name but never go by it :) )

GD said...

All said and done, you at least had known that person, he was part of your life, and that beats all the bad things... all the pain.
I'm not gonna say I understand your emotions because honestly I don't, I understand the words and the meaning behind them, but little more than that.
Some people say, that as long has the people that pass away, stay in our hearts, that they never really die, but I honestly don't believe any of that... What remains of them in us, is only memories, and although that is better than nothing, it just doesn't quite step up to the plate.
All and all, your silence has gone quite unnoticed to me, and although I thought about you, and your "absence", in the end that thought was out of my mind faster that I could even understand it.
Drew must have been quite a guy, maybe in another time and another world, we could have been friends, I could have learned from him and he from me, but this are only words and thoughts, that mean whatever they mean.
Once, I thought, I could have been your friend, helped you shoulder the burden that fame brings on people - and I warned you of these things years before any of it had happened, but I don't want to get in the 'I told you so' stuff - but time, proved me wrong.
I was and still am, a hard guy, not in the way that I'm going around breaking people's faces or that I don't care about people at all, none of that is true, I simply say what I got to say, when I have to say it, and that doesn't always works in my favor, but no one can accuse me of being dishonest of disloyal, if anything, I'm too honest for my own good.
And by this time you have already remembered who I am, don't you!...
But that doesn't matter, it really doesn't, not to me at least.
This words I write now, these words are not for you or me, but for Drew.
Because in the end he was what many couldn't be to you, and for that I love him. Not the love of someone from the family, or the love of a friend, but the love of someone that read the words you wrote, and in those words I listened, and what I heard left love in my heart for someone, who I never met but wish I had.

The past is history, the future is a mistery, and the present is oportunity.

Carlos Suarez said...

All things considered, the fact you were able to talk about someone who was close to you is a testament to how strong of a woman you are. I truly hope you can use your friend Drew's passing to help you become a better woman. God bless. :)