Friday, November 06, 2009

Perfect on Paper

I guess a lot of you are wondering why my blogs are no longer about my romantic life. Due to a series of unfortunate events, my romantic life has taken a back seat to my own personal health, well being, and career. Things which will all reveal themselves in due time I suppose. That's not to say there haven't been any developments or people of interest in my life; it’s just that I've just decided to take things at a “Less than Medium Pace,” Adam Sandler.

This is the tale of two guys. One was the perfect man on paper. You know the kind… they are seemingly perfect in theory, but the kind you would inevitably lose interest in for a thrill with some dude who wears graphic t shirts that are far too tight for him, rides a Ducati, and keeps LA Looks in business with his excessive hair gel usage. This ‘Perfect on Paper’ guy’s “Manfax” report was impeccable: A good upbringing, a solid family. A self made man, who owned his own business. He could've probably retired at 35 if the economy quit crapping the bed. He was extremely good looking with chiseled features. All in all a great catch. But, something wasn't there.

He didn't laugh at my jokes, or even get my sense of humor. His palms were always drenched in my presence. The only response he could usually muster was the word “cool”.. even if it was a statement regarding a recent hypothetical root canal. And he was always trying to find a reason to "stay the night." Um, sorry dude. But with the issues I've got going on I'm bout as asexual as a lamp.

We went on a few dates, but they were more awkward than enticing. There just weren't any fireworks. Sure, he could easily be the Ken to someone’s Barbie dream house, but for a girl like me.. Well, it just wasn't going to happen. The Ken doll and I eventually just faded into obscurity, what with my busy schedule and his. I just feel like the whole situation was too forced. It was one of those; I should have feelings for you because you're hypothetically the perfect guy. And the truth is.. He really is. Too bad, the person he is perfect for.. Just isn't me.

Then, there was the quiet guy. The kinda guy that goes out of his way to make you feel like you’re the only woman in the room that he even notices. He doesn't want anything or expect anything in return. He loves you on your bad hair days, and even your "bad brain days" as I've come to call them when you just have to shut yourself off from the world. His concern for you exudes everyday… your good days and all the ones in between. He gets what you do and who you are but would be just as happy if you taught high school band for a living so long as it made you happy. The main problem I had with the good guy was his glass half empty life. It seemed he always needed reassurance that I wanted to see him, that I wanted to spend time with him, that he was good enough for me. For a guy with so much to offer and so much genuineness.. Good grief! Why was he so insecure?? He was Charlie Brown.

The truth is I liked him. And liked him a lot. He was a good man, that Charlie Brown. But the timing was all wrong. As callus or brash as it may sound, I don't have time to solve anyone else’s crises. I'm struggling enough just dealing with my own. Thankfully, I have amazing friends and a supportive family to get me through everything. It was unfair for me to drag someone through the mess that has been my life. If you can't give someone everything they want, then why make them waste their time on some dream that may never come to fruition. After all, if I wouldn't subject my cat to it, why a human being?

I called one such friend on a less than perfect night, to give them the update on my situation in NYC. After listening to my stories about Ken and Charlie, he unloaded a barrel of truth on me that hadn't been done since my days with the Perfect Stranger.

"Jenn, can I be honest with you?” he asked. “And I mean this, in all sincerity. You're a real douche. You date guys that don't deserve you. One cheats on you, one lies to you, one leaves you for a Hooters waitress and another uses you as a replacement girlfriend til his old one comes back. You date down, Jenn. And why?? You're an amazing girl, with a lot to offer someone. I just hope one day you find yourself in all this mess and are happy. You're like Anna Scott, dude. You spend all your time dealing with these schmucky high profile guys and stupid fist pumpers that are either intimidated by you, don't deserve you, or are too damn immature to understand you. Why won't you just find your Hugh Grant already? The boy standing in front of a girl, well... You know how that goes. Instead you go for what everyone expects you to and not what makes you happiest. You're like the quarterback who dates the cheerleader just because it’s practically an arranged relationship."

The sad thing was, my friend was right. It’s sad when the things that make us happiest don't make any sense. Not to the people around us. Or .. Anyone for that matter. But if I was going to be completely honest with myself, how happy was I… REALLY? I shouldn't have to defend the decisions I make, nor will I. Mainly because sometimes we can't explain why were drawn to certain things over others. Girls will always chase what’s bad for them, just for the thrill. Until one day we wake up, and maybe the games aren’t so much fun anymore.

I still don't think Charlie Brown understands why we can't be anything more than friends. Aside from a minor misunderstanding, there was no blow out, no fight, it just ended. It’s not like I found someone else or just wasn't that into him. In fact, he's an amazing guy. And in turn, he deserves a great girl. And under different circumstances, that girl very well could have been me. But under the strains of the real world and the hand I have been dealt, I'm just a less than ideal version of myself. And if I can't give someone my best, than I would rather give them nothing at all other than my unconditional friendship. But, once feelings are hurt and exposed, let's face it.. There's no going back to “just friends.” He wanted so badly to try and save me from my problems, and situations that are just better left for me to deal with on my own. What Charlie never realized was I didn't need him to be some knight in shining armor. I didn't want him to ride up on his white horse and treat me like a princess. I mean, that's all fine and dandy. But at this stage in my life, I just want someone who is willing to stand next to me and remind me that I'm not alone, and roll with whatever adventure life hands us.

Until I get my life straightened out, there will be no happy ending, no prince to ride off with. But if I have learned anything these past few years, it’s that sometimes the journeys that teach us the most in life are the ones where we go it alone. Only then, do we come out stronger and better versions of ourselves.

9 comments:

Chris said...

Find someone who you like to hang-out with the most. Someone you can't wait to come home to. Forget what you think is your idea of perfect or what their credentials are; just find that person who you want to spend time with more than anyone. If that is your focus, money, sex, religion, and everything else is just details.

Chris said...

I also posted this on facebook. This reminds me of a show that used to come on HBO that i think you know what it is. Soounds lile you had a "Mr. Big" vs. Aiden dilemma on your hands. You want Big so bad when you know hoe isn't the right one for you yet you have Aiden who wants to be your everything yet it's like you feel smothered with all of his good intentions. IDK, romance is ... Read Moretough and maybe that's why i'm single at 41. Relationships are very complicated. Maybe one day that "one" will just show up when you're not looking. Good luck in finding him

dmarkette said...

Jenn,
I have been standing in front of you for over 2 years now...

Sounds to me like..
"You Are Waiting On Heaven" too

http://www.dmarkette.com/heaven

The Dust said...

Just another example of human beings wanting what they can't have. You either eat the cake, or you don't....

CB said...

So you're a mix between Barbie and the little red haired girl? I know it sounds cliched, but all you can do is live your life. Enjoy the little things that make you happy, love on the people around and let the chips fall. I'm sure Charlie Brown had some idea that Lucy was going to move the football, but he always kept trying...keep your head up or as my dad and coach said, "boe your neck."

Warren Wallace said...

Wow, you sound like you're in a funk. A friend who can call you a douche, and then unload that dose of honesty is a good friend to have. Cut yourself some slack with this relationship stuff Jenn. It would be nice if it were easier, and for some people it is (those bastards!), but for the rest of us it's a slow grind of trials and errors. Try not to get too hung up on the lack of results that you're getting in the near term. You're almost 26, and you're not expected to have relationships figured out. They're puzzling, and as a good friend once told me, "Sometimes you just have to say fuck it." You're still learning about yourself and what you want and need out of a significant other. You may not see it right now, but from what you tell us I think you're making progress. Just be honest with yourself, keep your expectations realistic, and don't overanalyze. Do your best to keep it simple. Now strap that helmet on and get back in the game!

Doug said...

Sounds like your friend has it right. You seem to be someone who takes joy in making others that you care about, happy. That's a wonderful thing, but you also need to take time to make YOU happy. There IS a man out there that will make you as happy as you make him, and you will find him (or maybe he will find you). In the meantime, sample what life has to offer because those experiences will help you determine what kind of person will ultimately make you happy

Keep you chin up and keep stepping into the batter's box.

Derek said...

I just stumbled upon your page after seeing a link on a buddy's facebook page. I will say that it is a very interesting read. Life is full of curveballs, but you got to keep swinging Jenn. After being in an on-again off-again relationship for the past 5 years, I feel like I am in your shoes in the sense that I am trying to figure myself out and find what actually makes me happy. I don't think it is something you learn very quickly, but like someone said above, you do so with many trial and errors. After discussions with many friends and family members, I have heard basically the same thing: Enjoy yourself and do things for yourself for once. When you least expect it and are not actively searching, good things happen. Keep your chin up and don't be so hard on yourself. A smart girl like yourself will make the right decision when the time is right...And you will know when that time is. Take care.

FITmindsUSA said...

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. LOVE me and I may be forced to LOVE you.” :-)